| Arizona |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|10:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
Well everyone, you're all gonna miss me. I'm gonna most likely be in Arizona for the next 8-9 weeks. Gonna be going out there and working the ren fest for my boss. I'll be in touch but I'll be staying on site at the festival. So that means Matt in a tent with no tv for 2 months. Luckily I have this lap-top and there is wi-fi all over the place. I love you all and I'll miss most of you.. lol. I'll be calling people too because I know not alot of people read my blogs... Later peeps. |
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| damn.. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|11:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
Well, my date is getting postponed by about a week. It's ok though, it's an understandable circumstance. And postponed is better than cancelled. |
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| I have a date |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|01:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
I have a date, omg, I have a date. It has been a really long time since I have had a actual date and not just pity dates from friends. I am seriously having one of those bi-polar days huh. 3 posts in one day doesn't happen that often.
SQUEEEEEEE |
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| .... |
[Jan. 21st, 2007|09:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
I hate everything and I want to die. I'm not sorry, I don't feel bad. I just don't fucking care. FUCK YOU!!! I'm in pain right now and I can't carry any more emotional weight on my shoulders. I can't wait anymore. I'm done. No it doesn't help, no it doesn't make me feel better. Your concern does nothing but make me want to run my head into a wall.
I'm finished.... |
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| New Favorite song.. by Three Days Grace - Pain |
[Jan. 21st, 2007|08:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling down
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love
Paint, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain |
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| I'm sorry |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|03:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Hey everybody. I just wanted to say that if I have snapped at you, or been in any way mean to you.... I'm sorry. I'm just going through a rough time right now. I missed signing up for college. I'm kinda glad though because i'm thinking about changing my career choice. Hell, i'm 24, living at my parents house, working part-time..... and I can't make up my fucking mind. Anyway, I love you all. Talk to you later. |
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| What... |
[Jan. 13th, 2007|03:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I'm starting to notice something about my blogs. It seems to me that all i post is depressing shit. I mean really, do I seem like this depressed of a person all the time........ Yeah I think I am. Well, I'm lonely. We went to the Odessy today. I don't know why. And by we I mean me, Don and Travis went to see Sean at work.. He works there. I really don't see the point on strip clubs...... that's for a whole 'nother blog though... lol Idk, I'm just depressed tonight so I thought I would write. I've been messing around with the guitar and I think I can now succesfully do the first part of Otherside by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I'm patting myself on the back for that one. If you know me well enough you know I can't play for shit. Can sing though.. I'm hoping that does something for me someday. Oh well, I'm gonna go back to whatever it was I was doing. Talk to you all later.... One more thing, if any beautifull single woman are reading this right now and want a man who can show them what the real meaning of "multiple orgasm" is...... drop me a line.. lol sorry i'm horny too.. and by horny, i mean i could fuck for hours right now. |
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| Crap |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|08:10 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. |
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| Void |
[Dec. 9th, 2006|08:25 pm] |
Void | | by Michael Anderson | Void, canceled, simply annulled.
Endlessly aching, unconsoled.
Life without you, cause without reason.
Touch without sense, time without season.
I face life now facing a cancerous sore,
A sordid parasite that eats at my core.
All that makes me whole, all I hold deep within,
Leaving me lifeless, or at least not livin'.
A shallow face, anguished and marred.
An empty space, scaled and scarred.
Sweetly abiding to a cynical charade.
Secretly hiding 'hind a fictitious facade.
Still, lost within this heart of glass,
This fragile and yet unfeeling mass.
Lies the remains of a love that glowed,
The gift to you I once bestowed.
But honor and pride now bereaved-
By your love for me so misconceived,
Ripped from my inner depths, impeding-
Mind and body and spirit, bleeding;
Now's crushed to sand from thy ruthless hand,
A cold stare I just can't understand.
I feel that somehow, somehow I'm dying,
At least my soul and all that's underlying.
A simple void, is that what I've become?
The hollowed sphere on a pendulum.
Swinging back and forth, emotion to emotion,
Never once stopping, nor slowing the motion.
No reason, no answer, no justification.
The creation of a sterile imagination.
Just passing through time as time passes me.
Merely a nothing- nothing, merely, left to be.
Sightless and soundless, unseen and unheard.
Mindless and boundless, obscure and absurd.
All empathy lying ungraced, unemployed,
I live my life dying, unembraced, a void. |
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| Poetry??? |
[Dec. 1st, 2006|05:11 am] |
Ok, bare with me. It seems all this poetry Gina is throwing about in her blogs kicked me in the butt into going through some of my own poetry. Now this one isn't one of mine but i liked it enough to have it written down in one of my books. Unknown author
Friendship or Love?
The nights are long.
The days so sad.
Not knowing what we lost,
Not knowing what I had.
I think of you for hours.
Your lips I just can't kiss.
You're the one I want.
You're the one I'd miss.
Although we talk of friendship,
I always think of love.
Hoping we could have more,
Not just a friendly shove.
You tell me of your problems.
I listen with open ears.
I'd like to tell you mine,
But I'll always have fears.
- unkown |
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| Feel like shit |
[Nov. 17th, 2006|06:52 pm] |
Did I do something wrong? Did I wrong someone? I just don't feel like I am wanted by certain people anymore. Words are being said to me that make no sense. I feel like I am in the way and that i'm being used.....
Of course this could all be my imagination.
I have been feeling good on other aspects though. I've been hanging out with my friend Gina. Tequila from that last night might be part of why I feel the way I do. My friend Ted has been very good to me by being there to talk to. I just don't feel good i guess. I don't know what to do right now. Wish I could just feel better but I don't see that happening any time soon. |
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| Movie..... |
[Nov. 11th, 2006|02:39 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
You ever watch a movie thinking it's gonna be one thing but turns out to be something completely different. Today we went to see the movie Stranger Than Fiction. Overall I would rate the movie as good. I was expecting a sraight up comedy. The movie turned out to not only have it's funny parts (funny as in haha not HAHAHAHAHAHA), but it also had its serious points along with it. I think, judging by the way my friends left the theatre, that you had to be a writer to really understand what the movie was really saying. I left the movie with some serious thoughts in my head. It was a very profound movie for me. It really got me thinking and also gave me this underlying urge to continue writing my story. This is very awkward for me because usually when I start to write a story the urge fades out. Not this time. Everytime I think I've given up on writing this work, something, however insignificant it is, pops the idea back into my head to sit down and continue writing. I think if it wasn't so late right now I would be doing just that but I also have an urge to sleep. Well, gnight world, I will see you in the morning.
To those who read this.....
I love you all and I feel.......... Good. Content with my life to a point where I feel I can do what it is I have set out to do this time. I think it's finally time for me to get my life together. To continue on with my story. I'm going to go to Mott next week and see about not ony taking my computer course but also taking some writing classes as well. Thank you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2006|07:50 pm] |
Sit here thinking to myself sometimes....... why do I even bother. I don't see much of a point sometimes. Tommarow i'll probably be depressed, then the day after happy, then the day after depressed..... 3 days later happy........ it goes in stupid idiotic cycles. Lately i've been trying to get myself back into my writing. It's something I enjoy to do, it's something that enables me to drift into the worlds in my head that I love so much. I just can't seem to concentrate sometimes...... maybe I should turn off the tv..... ok tv off. Now I sit here in the dark...... in the silence......
for the record, this rant was to help me get my mind off of this rant and get back to writing....
Thanks for putting up with the stupidity I have come to know as my life....
On a side note, my memoirs will be coming out shortly.. Memoirs of a helpless loser.....<------- Title i just came up with |
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| Blah |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|10:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Today was a bad day. I left all my stones here at home, so everything i carry with me to balance my emotions was away from me. I didn't do enough sales at work, so i'm angry and depressed about that. And, everytime i make plans lately to do something, they fall through. So, I don't know anymore. I'm depressed. Oh well, what can you do. I really feel the need to cuddle with someone right now.... kinda feel pathetic... |
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| Another update.... |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|04:02 am] |
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You all need to stop pissing me off. Now, this blog is not meant for all of you, just a select few who are pissing me off. Lets get something straight, I am your friend and I care about my friends. I hope you are all doing well and I wish nothing but the best for all of you. I am here to help you if you need me and if I really do consider you a friend, which most of you reading this are considered one, I would do just about anything for you. Now lets get this straight, if there is something wrong and you want to talk about it, call me lets talk, doesn't matter what time it is just call me i'm here to help. If you don't want to talk about it, fine tell me you don't want to talk about it and i'll drop the subject. Stop acting pissy or ignorant towards me just becuase you are having a bad day. I'm your friend, but if you act pissy towards me then fuck you. I don't mean to be coming off as a hard ass here but i'm tired of all your stupid bullshit. Don't give me dirty looks, don't give me that tired sigh.... fuck you. Just tell me whats going on or don't. I don't have time in my life for you to be a dick (or bitch) to me. Now this doesn't mean I don't care becuase I do, and like I said if you need me i'm here for you, just don't take it out on me. Now, if you are still reading this... I quit my job at Kroger last week, Yay. Now I just work at the mall, I got a job offer though doing tech stuff and web work for someone else. Should be fun. Ok everyone have a wonderful day so I'll talk to you all later. Love you all.... |
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| Another Day left behind............. |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|10:32 pm] |
Well, I can honetly say that i'm feeling very weird today. I got up this morning and went to work at the mall like any other day. Woke up depressed again, that sucked. So, I worked for a bit at the mall then decided I needed to leave becuase I was tired. So I left and called Don to see what he was up to. Don and Laurie were just hanging around at the house doing some things and he invited me over. I think to myself....yay I can get my mind off of some of the things that have been bothering me and get back into the group that I miss so much. I get there and it is kinda fun for a bit but I was tired and still depressed. Some other people came over and it is at that moment that I realize that I have missed alot while I was gone. There are times like today that I wish I never would have gotten into that shitty ass relationship. It is causing me nothing but pain. I'm left behind. There is so much going on now and I have no clue what to do. I miss the old days and I wish I could get back into the coven and be like the good old days but there is no way that I can keep up now. My friend Janelle was supposed to call me today so we could hang out but that didn't happen and that makes me sad. I don't feel like I have many friends left anymore. My bar buddies are gone, my pagan friends have left me behind and I don't blame them and all my other friends with exception of two is so busy with their lives that they don't have time for me. I know that this is a bit of a sob story but you're the one reading it. Anyway, I called Shelby today to see how she's doing and she was on break at work and told me that the landlord found someone to rent the house. I'm completely breaking down right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Well, I'm just gonna bury myself in work. I'm covering some hours at the mall and I have alot of web work to do. I'm sure I can come up with more things to do after that is all done too. Well I'm gonna go continue to be uber depressed and watch tv and play video games......yay.
Forever alone....
Matthew Joseph Kuipers
Black Phoenix |
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| Ehhhh..... |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|07:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | irritated | ] |
Ok, so I'm sitting here watching a movie and playing a corny computer game. I get a text message from Shelby, she said Hi. Ok, now I'm trying to sit here and ignore all of my pain and suffering but ok here we go. So I call her to see what she wanted. She just wanted to say Hi because she hasn't heard from me in a couple of days and she wanted to see if I was doing ok. Well, I was doing ok until I had to talk to her, but of course I say that i'm doing fine and asked her how she was and she is doing ok. Listen, I don't want everyone to get the wrong impression, I love Shelby with all of my being and I probably always will. I have never stopped loving any woman that I fell in love with. I also am not denying the fact that we did not work very well together. It is just really hard getting used to not seeing her everyday. I am even starting to miss the fights and rolling of eyes and sighs of dissapointment and even miss getting turned down when I try for sex. as weird as that sounds. I need to get myself adjusted to being on my own again and it really is not that easy. I find that I relied on her being there way to much. So anyway, I went to coffee with my bestest friend in the whole wide world today (Sara....I LOVE YOU SARA) That was fun. and then that happened and now my day is blah again. I have to finish packing my shit tommarow also. Not looking forward to that. Ok, I'm done babbling now. Thank you for reading this, and remember, 2 is fun, 3 is better. |
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| Another day... |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|10:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Well, Today started out depressing. Don't know why, just didn't feel well. Worked both jobs today so I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna go to bed now, this entry was kinda pointless today but thats ok. One more thing, I think I'm not gonna get into a serious relationship for awhile. I feel like dating for a bit.... hrm, we'll see. |
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